Handling Postnatal Stress From Your Mother-In-Law (MIL)

If you’re a woman with a mother-in-law who makes life difficult, I hope you find at least a small comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

In the course of working as a Postnatal Massage Therapist in New Jersey over the last twenty years, I’ve seen many women who were having great difficulties in their postnatal period due to their mother-in-law’s behavior and/or speech.

In no case was a new mom blindsided, and the mother-in-law was always well-understood to be a toxic person due to how they already treated their daughter-in-law before, and during, pregnancy.

So, if you’re pregnant, and your mother-in-law is usually nasty, condescending, petty, insulting, cold, or rude, then don’t necessarily expect things to improve during the postnatal time.

Sure; it is possible that some mean MILs do act differently after the baby arrives, and actually become more civil and helpful.

I wouldn’t know about those cases. Those would be invisible to me, as a licensed in-home Massage Therapist.

I mean, if a mother-in-law had been cruel in the past and was now behaving better, why would a new Mom even bring it up?

New moms often confide in me, but it’s often about issues.

I’ve always made friends easily, and so that’s nothing new in my life.

Honestly, some of the stories I’ve heard have been really upsetting.

Here are just a few of the incidents of bad behavior I’ve seen and/or been told about  from mother-in-laws directed toward the new mother.

Some new moms will hear from their mother-in-law that they  can’t breastfeed properly.

Or, that the new mom  doesn’t have enough fat to make good milk.

Nasty put-downs that strike at the core of being a woman -and a mother.

My suggestion? Hire a Lactation Professional.

Get help from someone who is certified. And, then when she begins the nonsense, you’ll be firmly grounded in fact about what’s happening.

I’ve seen cases where the mother-in-law begins triangulating the husband. The poor husband is now faced with having to agree with his mother about his wife being inadequate in some way after an argument the mother-in-law invented out of nothing, or face disrespecting his mother. The MIL makes it very clear to her son that the thing to do is help in shaming his wife.

It’s awkward, and  no husband should ever be forced to take sides between his Mom and his wife over nonsense!

I’ve seen fathers go and live in a hotel or with a friend because their own moms were causing such a rift with the wife. This has even resulted in marital harm, and separation.

Mother-in-laws may visit or even stay over after a mother gives birth.

That’s common in many cultures, from European and Hispanic families of Indian and Chinese ancestry.

The mother-in-law may show just how poorly adjusted she is at this time.

Some MILs won’t help around the house, staying over in the postpartum phase, but doing very little to help out.

One mother confided that her mother-in-law was staying over and waking up at 11 AM knowing the Mom needed help in the morning.

Another new mom shared that her mother-in-law complained that the house was dirty, but did nothing at all to clean, while the new mom’s own mother, and two sisters cleaned everything. In that case, the MIL was staying over as well, for three months, all the way from Mumbai!

So, how do you handle this sort of behavior from your mother-in-law?

Firstly, expect nothing, in terms of civility, or help.

If your Mother-in-law chooses to be both civil and helpful, I’d say just be thankful! Look at the other possibilities that exist!

If you mother-in-law begins acting out, do not engage directly with her.

You need your energy for feeding the baby and taking care of yourself and the infant.

Escape to a different part of the house. Close your bedroom door.

Meditate. Play with the baby. Practice hand expression. Just do anything to get away and set your focus elsewhere.

Set clear boundaries. Be sure everyone knocks before entering.

And, of course, don’t let the bad behavior get to you.

Sadly, some people behave badly. When it’s your mother-in-law, it’s especially troublesome, but when you remember to have compassion for a person who hates love and family and fun, it becomes more acceptable.

Your mother-in-law needs your prayers; don’t let someone like that take away your confidence or make trouble in your marriage or make your postpartum period hell.

It’s not their right.

Photoart by DFA, Original Photo Copyright De-bashis R.C. Biswas